Behind the Cutscenes
by Fugitive
Summary: There's always a story behind the story. Demyx joins the Organization, Roxas's nostalgia gets the better of him, and Kairi dukes it out with her kidnappers. A lighter, more humorous side of Kingdom Hearts.
1. He Forgot the Toilet Paper

Kairi wrestled in his grasp as he dragged her down a hallway. There was no way in HELL she was going to go anywhere with this man. "Get away from me! Get away from me, you douche! Leave me alone!" she shrieked.

Saix chuckled mercilessly. "Douche? Is that some sort of colloquial insult where you come from?"

Kairi bit his hand. He yelped and loosened his grip for a second. Kairi ran for her life, only to be stopped five inches from where she started. "Will you just cut it out?" asked Saix, frustrated beyond belief. "I could just knock you out. Would you prefer that?"

Kairi's eyes widened. "NO!" She struggled even harder. Saix's hands were started to hurt from gripping her arms. Kairi then resorted to screaming. "Help!" she shrieked. "Rape! Oh my God, he's going to rape me!"

Saix was so surprised, he stopped and laughed, amused. "Kairi, I am a sixty-year old man."

"So?"

"Um, hellooo? I don't have much of a sex drive."

"Then why is your hand on my chest?"

Saix stepped back suddenly, indignant. "It was not!"

Kairi used this opportunity to run away again. Again, it failed. "AAAAAAAUGH!" she screamed out of pure frustration as Saix stopped and pushed her into a vacant room.

The room was blindingly white, void of any decoration, furniture, or motivational posters. The only thing of interest was the big purple cage in the middle of the room.

After adjusting to the stark whiteness of the room, Kairi surveyed the room. "You know," she said thoughtfully, "you could really do some cool things with this room. You could paint it blue, put in a foosball table…maybe even put in a window or two…"

"Shut up!" Saix roared. And with that, he threw her into the cage.

Kairi sat up, rubbing her head and whining "…the hell?" She stood up defiantly and crossed her arms, pouting.

"Now, you just sit there and look pretty," said Saix, "and when Sora comes to get you, we can destroy him."

Kairi gasped. "You wouldn't."

"Oh, we would."

"Sora's smarter than that."

"Oh dear, I hope not," Saix said with faked sympathy.

Kairi rolled her eyes and stuck her big head through the bars. "These are really far apart, you know. I could totally get through these."

Saix laughed condescendingly. "You could not. We're the bad guys. You can't escape from the bad guys!"

"Watch me!" Kairi walked between the bars and stood next to Saix. She folded her arms and tapped her chin. "I hate to be the one to tell ya, but you're going to have to come up with something better than this."

Saix looked worried. "Shit. Hmm. Well, uh….shit."

Kairi walked back into the cage. "Maybe that was just a one time thing. Now that I'm back in here, I doubt I'll be able to get out again." Would he buy it?

Nah. Saix raised his hand and there was a flash of light. The bars had doubled so it was impossible to escape. "You're right. I think you'll be stuck in here for quite awhile now," Saix agreed.

"Assbag."

"Insolent brat." Saix turned to walk out of the room. Kairi mouthed _Fuck you_ and silently flipped him off. He waved before closing the door behind him.

_A few hours later…_

Kairi was bored. She'd never been so effing bored in her life. She had already played the guessing game with herself, and managed to lose. Pluto came over and licked her face. Ewww…she wiped the drool off her cheek and frowned at him. Her stomach growled with hunger. Plus, she was really starting to get uncomfortable in the bladder area. She considered peeing on the floor, just to spite the Organization, but decided against it.

Kairi stood up and called out. "Um, hello? Is anyone there? I kind of have to go to the bathroom. Hello?" This continued for several minutes.

Well, enough was enough. Kairi screamed as loud as she could. "Oh my GOD! I am SO FUCKING BORED!" she shrieked. "Get me OUT of here! I'm STARVING! Are you TRYING to starve me to death? HUH?...and where's a BATHROOM when you need one? I HAVE TO PEE!..." She ranted and raved for quite awhile until a hand clapped over her mouth, startling her.

"Shut UP," said Axel, who had appeared behind her.

She entangled herself from his hand and backed up, fuming. "Oh, it's you again," she growled.

"Yeah, nice to see you too, sugar," Axel said sarcastically. "Now what was this about needing a bathroom?"

"If you don't show me to bathroom in five seconds, I am going to pee all over you," Kairi said venomously, spitting the words out like daggers.

"Well, I can help you with that. But for a price." Axel had a dangerous, almost greedy look in his eyes.

"Wh-what might that be?" Kairi asked, wavering. Axel bent down and whispered something in her ear. She backed away. "No…"

"Yes."

"NO! I'm not going to touch you!"

"Okay then. Have it your way." Axel turned around.

The need to urinate was overwhelming. "Okay, fine! I'll do it!" said Kairi bravely. She walked up to Axel. "Are you ready?"

"Ready." Axel took off his cloak, as it might get in the way of their…activities.

Kairi took a deep breath, closed her eyes, reached for Axel, and…began scratching the Nobody's back.

"Oh, yeah…" Axel's shoulders relaxed. "A little more to the right…up…up…ahhhh…" Kairi rolled her eyes and continued in silence.

A minute later she stopped. "Was that good enough? Can I go now?"

Axel stretched and put his cloak back on. "Thanks, babe. You've got some skills."

Kairi turned her nose up at him. "Why couldn't you have had someone else scratch your back for you?"

Axel laughed half-heartedly. "Well, I can't ask any of the guys, because they'll think I'm gay or something. And Larxene…she hates me. And you've seen her hands. It'd be the perfect opportunity to kill me."

"Ah. I see," said an impatient Kairi. "Well, now you have to hold up your end of the bargain. Take me to a bathroom!" she demanded.

"Oh! Yeah…hang on…" Axel opened a portal and fished around a bit till he pulled out…

"A bucket?" said Kairi disbelievingly.

Axel shrugged. "Nobodies don't have hearts, right?"

"Okay…"

"Well, it just so happens that Nobodies lack all other internal organs as well."

"And?" Kairi was jumping up and down, holding herself.

"Nobodies don't have kidneys. Or bladders, for that matter." Axel sighed. "We don't have bathrooms in the Castle That Never Was. Sorry." He handed her the bucket.

Kairi's face turned purple. "I—I hate you!" she shrieked, at a loss for words, throwing it at him.

Axel tossed the bucket back to her and smiled impishly as he faded away through a portal. "Consider it "The Toilet That Never Was."

Kairi was pissed. Then, Kairi pissed. Into the bucket, of course.


	2. Anxiety Attack

Xemnas had called a meeting.

It was like any other meeting.

Xemnas droned on and on about Kingdom Hearts, invincibility, power, darkness, etcetera. They had meetings like this almost every day. The past week had been a standstill. Nothing worthwhile was going on. There was nothing to scheme. There was no one to kidnap, nothing to destroy.

Larxene was filing her nails. Just because none of the guys saw her as a girl didn't mean that she couldn't look good for herself. Just because she had to wear that hideous, unisex, black robe that hid her womanly figure, that didn't mean she still didn't want to look pretty. Look pretty…for whom? No one. Or rather, Nobody. Larxene burst out crying.

Marluxia was rolling a joint, and a fat one at that. He had just harvested his first crop of marijuana, and was eager to see how it turned out. He clumsily licked the paper and rolled it up as tight as he could. Satisfied with the results, he motioned to Axel, who summoned a flame from his finger. Breathing in deeply, Marluxia got that jay started and nodded a thanks to his pyromaniacal friend.

Saix was fucking bored, even though he didn't want to admit it. He enjoyed acting like Xemnas's second-in-command, so he desperately tried to look the part. He started doodling on the clipboarded papers in front of him. Doot doo doot doot doot. He drew a funny picture of Xemnas. He snorted but quickly turned it into a cough and resumed his serious, antagonist façade.

Demyx had stereotypically brought his guitar (excuse me, sitar) and was tuning it, rather stereotypically. Xemnas pretended to ignore it, but if one looked hard enough, one could see Xemnas twitching after every twang of the strings. Demyx did it faster and louder, just to piss him off.

Xaldin wasn't having too bad of a time, especially after taking a hit or ten of Marluxia's sweet, sweet, joint. Eyes glazed over, he stared at Xemnas, pretending to comprehend what he was actually saying. With the occasional "heh, heh," and a goofy smile plastered on his face.

Xigbar was munching on some Chex mix. He rearranged the salty little squares into houses and other various things. When he was bored with that, he popped them into the air and practiced catching the pointy little crackers in his mouth. One of them fell into his eye. His good eye. Damn.

Roxas was fidgety and oh-so-depressed. He looked around the room with his beautiful angelic blue eyes. Every once in awhile, he sighed a wistful, tortured sigh of angst. When no one was looking, he took out his camera, held it over his head, and took a few more MySpace pictures. Why didn't anyone understand what he was going through?

Namine was also present. Only she was in a cage in the corner of the room, drawing and humming to herself. That wild thang. No one could trust that girl.

Zexion was going crazy. Between Marluxia's pot smoke and Larxene's overzealous application of perfume, he was going into sensory overload. The Chex mix didn't help matters. His left eye started twitching. _Too many smells!_ His head promptly exploded. No one looked up.

Axel had already burnt most of the reports Xemnas had distributed today. He tapped another piece of paper and watched the ends crinkle away in to ash. Axel groaned irritably. He looked around the room and made a kissy face to Roxas. Roxas blushed fuschia and glanced around to make sure no one saw that suggestive move. Axel laughed inwardly. Then he sat up indignantly, glancing around the room for any Akuroku fans that may have been lurking about. Why, he was as straight as a ruler, he was.

Xemnas stopped and looked around the room. No one noticed that he had stopped talking. He was appalled by what he saw. Xaldin and Marluxia were playing a game of "flick the roach across the table". Demxy was composing a song. Larxene was still sobbing. Xigbar was constructing Chexopolis. Roxas was playing with a Swiss army knife. Axel had set the table on fire.

Xemnas just sighed and continued.

"So, what we need is to find that boy Sora and those animals he frolics about with, and then, only then, can we—"

Roxas stood up, knocking his chair over in the process. Xemnas was astonished. "What in the name of Kingdom Hearts are you doing?" Larxene groaned and covered her face. "Not again…"

"I hate this!" cried Roxas. "I hate these meetings, and I hate this stupid castle, and I hate YOU, Xemnas!"

"Uh…." Xemnas was at a loss for words.

"Why am I even at these meetings? I'm nothing but a tool for you. Nothing!" Roxas shrieked. "NOTHING!"

"We've been through this before, Roxas!" someone scolded. "Now sit down and shut up."

"I'm going to my room!" Roxas announced tearfully. "And I'm NEVER COMING OUT!" He made sure he slammed the door on the way out.

Silence.

Marluxia snorted.

Xemnas sighed. "That's too bad. He almost made it all the way through this time. I was just about done."

"_Finally_," a few voices muttered.

Axel stood up. "Just get it over with. It's almost dinnertime and I'm starving." The others voiced their agreement.

"What's for dinner?" asked Xigbar, digging the crumbs out of his eye socket.

"Well," said Xemnas, "I was thinking Chinese takeout tonight." Everyone applauded.

"See, Xemnas? This is why we elected you leader," said brown-nosing Saix. "You always have the best ideas."

"Well, you know…" Xemnas shrugged bashfully. And with that, he dialed up Happy Dragon Express and ordered some General Tso's chicken and fried rice. And afterwards, everyone agreed: _that_ was a fucking good meal.


	3. Awkward!

"Let's find the ----- thief!" said an excited Hayner. He and the others hurried out into the streets of Twilight Town. Roxas groaned inwardly as he watched them skip away. _What will these morons think of next?_

He wondered briefly how one could steal the word -----, but decided that it wasn't that important.

He stayed behind to survey the Spot. Haha, there were all the Struggle advertisement posters they had stolen off the various windows and doors of the town. And there was his and Hayner's dartboard, which they had also stolen. And the couch. Hoo boy, that couch. Roxas tried to block the memories, but they flowed through his mind like diarrhea.

Must…forget…nope. Here they came.

_Another day in the monotonous world stuck in between day and night. The orange sky cast a golden glow on Roxas's already golden hair as he ambled his way down to the Usual Spot._

_The Usual Spot was, well, their usual spot to hang out when they weren't in school. Roxas and his friends had many memories in this little alley corner. Planning war against Seifer and his less-than-intelligent cronies, throwing darts and missing by miles, knocking each other upside the head with clubs---it was indeed the life of luxury for a bored teenager in Twilight Town._

_Opening the wire gate that enclosed the Spot, he heard noises. Giggling noises. Now see, Roxas was none too happy. He supposed some little kids had found their spot and were playing and messing around with their stuff. Little bastards. Well, he would show them. He punched his open palm and strode forward into the hangout, lifting back the curtain and preparing to kick some ass._

_"Oh, hey guys! Guys? Oh…" It was Pence and Olette. More like Pence ON Olette._

_"Uh…heh…"_

_Pence and Olette froze. Roxas gaped at them. He blinked once. He blinked twice. He got the hell out of there._

No one ever mentioned the incident again. It was a bit awkard for awhile after that.

And that, my friends, is why that couch is Pence and Olette's favorite couch.

Roxas shuddered and reluctantly followed his friends, wondering what inane notions he would be subjected to next.

And he never sat on that couch again.

KH  
KH  
KH

Okay, 450 hits and 3 reviews. Does my writing suck that bad? Feedback is appreciated.


	4. n00b

It was Demyx's first week in the Organization. So far, he had:

--freaked out when he woke up butt naked in the rain in the middle of a dark alley with no recollection of who he was  
--been given a heavy, thick, hideous black cloak to wear  
--learned to call his "weapon" out of nowhere (and by weapon, we mean a ridiculously large cello-looking thing)  
--discovered he had the element of water (he flooded the castle)  
--been spanked by Zexion (several times)  
--managed to piss off every single one of the members by the third day

It was an exciting time in young Demyx's life. So much to learn, so much to do…the fun never ended, and neither did the swats at his head. So far he had learned:

--Larxene's room was off limits  
--Luxord always wins at euchre,_ no argument_  
--Axel would prefer it if no one touched his spiky hair  
--Never ask Xigbar about his missing eye  
--Xemnas has no qualms whatsoever about killing _anybody  
_--Marluxia does not need suggestions on special fertilizers, thank you  
--Never suggest that Lexaeus takes steroids

…And much more. Such was the life of this Nobody, the "baby of the family", if you will. Because he was so inexperienced and new to this state of (not) being, the older members felt that it would be in everyone's (no one's?) best interest if Demyx was watched constantly. I mean, yes, he was a perfectly capable teenager, but they really didn't want to leave him at the castle only to come home and find that he had, once again, flooded the castle in his excitement over beating The Legend of Zelda.

AKA they had to take turns babysitting him.

So here he was, Demyx and his good ol' buddy Saix.

Now, Saix did not like kids. He hated them so much that he refused to admit he ever was one. He had begged and pleaded with Xemnas to be taken off the Demyx-sitting schedule, but Xemnas had threatened him with photos of a drunken night with Xigbar. But that's another story. So anyways, he did his best to ignore Demyx's prattling as he focused his attentions on a lovely paperback book entitled _Temptations and Chocolates_.

"Saix, let's do something."

"No."

"Something FUN!"

"I don't do fun."

Demyx pouted. "Well," he whined. "I guess I'll go somewhere else and leave you alone with your book." He began to amble out of the room, glancing over his shoulder with a smirk on his face and was almost out the door when Saix suddenly glanced up.

"Oh, no you don't. Get your ass back in here, kid. You're not going anywhere."

"I'm not?"

"Nope."

"I'm not not, or I'm not?"

"You're not."

"Or am I? Because in reality, I'm not necessarily…not…right? Right, Saix?"

Saix turned around and squinted his eyes. "Huh?"

"Exactly," whispered Demyx knowingly.

Saix shook his head and turned back around in his chair. "Demyx, I don't know what the hell you're talking about, but as far as I'm concerned…"

Sneaky Demyx took this opportunity to run out of the room. "Catch me, Saix! Betcha can't catch me, old man! Ha ha ha!" Saix jumped up and sprinted after the Nobody, with a murderous glint in his eyes. _Old man!_ Oh, how he hated kids.

Two hours later, Saix had successfully discovered Demyx hiding in the pantry and dragged him back to the room by his ear. He barricaded the door and resumed reading his book. Demyx was a bit worn out, to be honest. That had been a fun game, except for the whole getting-the-shit-beat-out-of-him part. He twiddled his thumbs for a moment and looked up excitedly.

"Hey Saix, wanna spar?"

"…No."

"Wanna play Monopoly™?"

"NO."

"Wanna bake cookies?"

"Yea---…..NO."

Demyx gave up. He sat down hard on the armchair and swung his feet back and forth. Remembering a cool little trick Axel taught him, he shot a bit of water out of his finger. He played around with his new power a bit, till he could aim it. Then he furtively shot a thin jet of water right into Saix's lap. Now it looked like widdle Saix has peed his pants. Demyx's shoulders shook with silent laughter. _Now what to do?_

A lightbulb went off over Demyx's head. "Hey…we can open portals in other dimensions, right?"

"No."

"Yeah, we can. I've seen you guys do that."

"Oh, you caught me," Saix answered absentmindedly.

"So we can?"

"So it would seem."

"_Any_ dimension?"

"I suppose."

"No way, man."

"Way, man." Saix rolled his eyes and turned back to the big, stuffy book he was reading.

Using his power of darkness, Demyx blindly conjured a small portal at random and peeked his head through, just to see what was there. A pointy face stared back at him.

"…Who the hell are you?" asked Spike Spiegel.

"Oh! Hi. I'm Demyx. Ah, um, is Faye around?" He glanced about the room excitedly.

Spike scratched his mossy little head and looked at him funny. "Um, no, she's not."

"Oh. Um. Dang. Well, I'll be going, then. By the way, man, your show was great. But hey," Demyx leaned really close and whispered, "dodge that last one, okay?" He straighted up and waved. "See ya!" And with that, he repaired the rip in the time-space continuum and was never seen in the spaceship again.

"…the hell?" said Spike.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…

The other members of the Organization were returning one-by-one to the Castle Oblivion from their various activities. Lexaeus and Xigbar had been at the gym pumping some iron, Marluxia had just purchased a state-of-the-art halogen light, and Larxene had just come from Knockturn Alley hauling a dirty sack over her shoulder and was acting jumpier than usual.

Xemnas returned from who-knows-where. He always went alone and never said anything about what he did while he was gone. Demyx had been speculating this for awhile. Secretly he thought Xemnas went to Chuck-E-Cheese's. But it was just speculation.

Immediately upon Xemnas's return, Saix threw himself at Xemnas's feet. "Oh, Xemnas! Tell me I never have to care for that wretched excuse-for-a-Nobody again!" he all but sobbed.

Xemnas sighed as he watched Demyx trip his way down the hall, free at last. "Don't worry, Saix. I'll repay you. Quite handsomely, too…" he waggled his eyebrows as Xemnas/Saix fans squealed across the globe.

Epilogue: After forty-five frustrating minutes of searching for his room, Demyx found it. He curled up on his bed and, after a hot cup of chamomile tea, watched The Real Folk Blues. _What a great day_.


	5. PSYCHE!

**Day One**

Xemnas snuggled deeper under his covers and wiggled his toes, stretching his legs. It was a bit earlier than usual for him to be getting up, so he tapped the snooze button on his alarm and lay there, enjoying the blissful peace and quiet of the morning. His tranquility was only temporary, however. He heard distant shouting and the cacophonous slamming of a door. Xemnas groaned and rolled over. Now what? He sat up and slid his feet into his yellow velvet slippers and padded over to the bathroom to wash his face. The yelling was getting closer and louder. Most likely, he thought, whoever was fighting was going to try to settle it with the Superior, which happened to be Xemnas himself. As always. He sighed drearily and rubbed his sleepy eyes. When he opened them again, he caught sight of the calendar on the wall to his left and gasped.

A big, messy circle was frantically drawn around one of the days.

A big red one.

TODAY.

Uh-oh.

Houston, we have a problem. They were NOT prepared to handle this.

Fuck. He could hear a woman's voice screaming down the hallway, it was about to stop at his room. Xemnas ran over as fast as his tan, tan, legs could carry him and bolted the door. How could he have forgotten about this? It's not like it wasn't unpredictable. He leaned against the door, breathing heavily. He was safe, he told himself. Think happy thoughts…

But alas, how could he? This week, Larxene was on…_the rag_.

"Lemme in! Lemme in!" yelled a frightened Roxas on the other side of the door. "She's gonna…"

In a flash of lightning, the door disintegrated. Roxas took this opportunity to hide behind Xemnas from the monstrosity Square-Enix chose to call Larxene. And, lo and behold, there she stood, in all her red-faced, bloated, and uncharacteristically disheveled glory.

"That's right, Roxas. Be afraid. Be very afraid," she sneered. "AND STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM ME!" She spit on the ground and stalked down the hall. "Bastards, the whole lot of you…"

Roxas sniffled. Xemnas hugged him and rubbed his back in a very hetero, fatherly kind of way. "I know, I know. Just keep your distance from her for awhile."

Roxas looked up suddenly, his face tearstained. "But I can't. My room is right next to hers!"

"Oh. Well. Whatever did you do?"

Roxas burst into tears. "I was just walking down the hall to my room! Her door was open and I popped my head in to say hello, like always and…and…sniffle…"

Xemnas sighed. "It's okay, Roxas. You're a n00b. You'll get used to this, I promise."

"This happens regularly?!"

And thus, Xemnas explained the inner workings of the female uterus to a rather unprepared Roxas.

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**Day Two**

Larxene stormed into the kitchen. She pilfered the freezer, raided the fridge, and practically raped the pantry.

"Whatcha doin', Larx?" asked Axel casually. He had been sitting on the counter this whole time, watching her intently and munching on a bag of Cheetos. She looked up, aggravated, and snatched the bag from his hand. "MINE." She shoved a handful in her mouth.

Axel, though surprised, relinquished control of his snack and shrugged. "Have it your way, porky."

Larxene growled a growl that shook the very Depths-That-Never-Were and immediately assassinated Axel right there on the spot. Then she broke down sobbing. _Am_ _I really so fat? I am. I hate myself! I want some chocolate. Chocolate is good_. She dried her tears and got up, only to run smack into Xigbar.

Xigbar looked around the room, sizing up the situation. He nudged Axel's body with his black leather boot. "What happened here?" asked carefully, as he swallowed a bit more of the cookie he snuck before dinner.

Larxene said nothing, but gazed with envy and longing at the cookie in Xigbar's hand. She answered him with her own question. "Where did you get that cookie?"

Xigbar put the last of it in his mouth and swallowed before replying, "It was from a bag of Chips Ahoy. But it was the last one. Sorry."

Uh-oh.

"The last one? _The_ _last one?!?_" Larxene screeched, summoning her lightning powers. Xigbar's eye widened tremendously.

Soon after that quick, painless little exchange between the fellow Organization members, Xigbar's body was thrown on top of Axel's.

"I'm the Savage fucking Nymph!" she shrieked. "Don't I get ANY respect around here?!?" Larxene then stalked back to her room, but not before grabbing all the painkillers in the first aid kit.

----------------------------------

**Day Three**

Saix was chillaxing in the lounge with a novel and a mixed drink with a little umbrella when Demyx blundered into the room, gasping for breath.

"What now?" sighed Saix.

Demyx threw himself on the couch and buried his face into the pillows. "It was terrible!"

"What?" Saix asked apathetically, flipping the page.

Demyx scooted closer to Saix and moaned. "Oh, the horror!"

"What?" asked Saix, a little more annoyed this time.

"The bathroom," was all Demyx had to say.

Saix sat up straight and gripped the chair of the couch so tight that his knuckles turned white. "No."

"Yes."

"Not the bathroom."

"And she left the toilet seat down, to boot."

Saix shuddered.

"And guess who's on trash duty this month…? Hmmm? No, Saix, don't pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about."

Saix groaned and smacked himself in the forehead. "Well, IX, let's get going then. You're helping me take out that trash, whether you like it or not."

_Some time later_…

Saix and Demyx, armed with rubber gloves, face masks, and hazard suits, approached the Organization's bathroom and peeked in.

Demyx gave Saix a little push. "Hey, I'm going, I'm going," growled Saix. He and Demyx cautiously tiptoed onto the white linoleum and peered over the edge of the wastebasket at Larxene's trash. The icky kind.

Ew.

Demyx's eyes rolled back in his head and he promptly fainted onto the floor. Great, thought Saix. What a big help. Now how do I do this without going near it? After several unsuccessful attempts to take out the trash bag with his nonexistent telekinetic powers, he sucked it up and picked it up with his gloved hands. And immediately freaked out. And dropped it. Saix ran from the bag like it was a ticking bomb and dragged Demyx out of the bathroom and down the hall.

"Help! Help" Saix cried desperately. They would have run into Zexion around the corner had he not sidestepped them. Saix grabbed his friend. "Please—Zex—Zexion—stay away—bathroom—Larxene…" Saix wiped the sweat off his brow, panting, and took a good look at the man standing before him. Zexion had not been getting much sleep lately, and it showed on his face. His eyes darted around and his face was pale.

Zexion leaned forward to whisper in Saix's ear. "I can smell it on you. I smell it everywhere. Everywhere…"

"The smell of wha--"

"Of her. Of the hormones. Of all that is evil and bitchy and moody!" he laughed maniacally. Then he started weeping. "Oh, Saix, make it stop, make it stop…" he collapsed, sobbing from the depths of his…well, not his heart, that's for sure. All of a sudden, his nose twitched and he looked up at Saix with fear in his eyes. "_She's coming_…"

Forgetting the unconscious Demyx and ignoring the screeching pleas of help from the mentally-scarred Zexion, Saix ran.

------------------------------------

**Day Four**

The remaining male Organization members gathered in the main meeting room. Roxas was pale and shaky. Xaldin was sobbing, and Vexen was patting his back and whispering reassuring words in his ear. Saix was filling out a chart on the board that kept track of the Organization:

I Present  
II KO  
III Present  
IV Present  
V Present  
VI MIA  
VII Present  
VIII KO  
IX MIA  
X Present  
XI Present  
XII ENEMY  
XIII Present

The others watched each other grimly, afraid to break the silence. Finally, Xemnas stood up and walked to the front of the room.

"As you all know, this is a Code Red emergency, and we have suffered greatly. We were unprepared for this onslaught of attacks against us males and, at this point in time, we can do nothing but sit it out and wait. Together. We have safety in numbers right now."

As soon as Xemnas sat down, the room erupted with outcries. "We won't take this!" "We can fight it together!" "Let's teach that bitch a lesson!" "Where's the Cheetos?" That last one was Roxas.

"I'm sorry," said Xemnas gravely, "but Larxene has eaten all the food in the castle."

Roxas sniffled. "But why?"

Xemnas shook his head and wiped away a tear of his own. "I don't know, Roxas. I just don't know."

--------------------------

**Day Five**

Roxas woke up the next morning with a jolt. He sat up quickly and glanced around the room spastically. _What time was it? _All the members were still sleeping, some on the floor, some curled up uncomfortably in their chairs. Someone was even stretched out on the table. Vexen was twitching from the recent trauma, and Saix's breathing was labored from lack of water and food. As quietly as possible, Roxas rolled over and stood up. He padded softly across the room, headed toward the door. _Almost there_…

Saix sat up suddenly, hearing the bolts unlock. He turned to see Roxas undoing the last bolt on the door and cried out, "NOOOOO!"

The other members jumped awake at this and looked at Roxas fearfully. "Don't do it, Roxas!" Luxord cried. "You're too young!"

Xemnas joined in. "Roxas, I ordered everyone to stay in this room till it was safe to go out."

Roxas smiled sadly and shook his head. "I'm sorry, but I have to. It's five minutes till eight. I don't have a choice."

Vexen fell onto his knees in anguish. "For God's sake, boy, it's not worth it! You can see reruns of Saturday morning cartoons later this week. _Reruns!_"

Roxas turned to him angrily. "I have _never _missed an episode of Kenny the Shark, Vexen. You know that. And I'm not going to let a stupid thing like Larxene stand in my way."

Xemnas sighed, defeated. Roxas was right. "Very well, Roxas. I have one favor to ask of you, though."

"…Yes?"

"If…if you can make it, if you get there safe, will you…tape it for us?"

Roxas smiled compassionately. "Of course I will. You don't have to ask."

After handshakes and well-wishes all around, Roxas triumphantly opened the door and walked out.

Saix slammed the door behind him and hurriedly locked and bolted the door once more. "He's toast, guys." The others nodded fearfully.

-------------

Roxas snuck through the halls, flat against the wall and humming the Mission: Impossible theme to himself. He peeked around corners, somersaulted at intersections, and listened for any sign of Larxene. Finally approaching the living room, he flung open the door to find…

Nothing.

"Perfect!" he murmured to himself. He happily turned on the television, changed the channel to NBC, and situated himself on the comfy sofa. Remembering suddenly, he got up and began rummaging through the shelves next to the television in order to find a blank tape to record the new episode for the rest of the members. Unseen by him, a shadow approached him ever so slowly…

"Hey Roxas!" greeted Larxene.

Roxas screeched and flung himself as far away from her as he could. "Don't hurt me, please don't hurt me, I'll do anything, anything!" he sobbed.

Larxene looked at the quivering mass in front of her and scratched her head. "Um, okay, I just wanted to know if you had seen any of the other members."

"What? So you could kill them too, just like you did Axel and Xigbar?!" Roxas screamed, shaking uncontrollably. "I won't let you do it! I won't!"

Larxene looked at him like he was crazy. "Well, I don't know what you're talking about, but I just made some pancakes for everyone and nobody's around."

Roxas was dumbfounded. "What?"

Larxene frowned at him. "Never mind. I'll just leave." She walked out of the room, muttering, "I try to do something nice, and no one appreciates it. Typical. I hate men…"

Forgetting about Kenny the Shark, Roxas got up and ran back the meeting room that held the remainder of the Organization. "Xemnas! Xemnas! It's me!" he pounded on the door.

Xemnas grabbed him and pulled him in, slamming the door behind him. "What happened? Are you okay?"

Roxas told them everything that had just happened. "…and then, she said she had made pancakes for everyone! But I don't understand, Xemnas. Does she not remember the bitch she turned into? Why is she normal once more all of a sudden?"

"It has passed, not to return for another twenty-eight days." Xemnas shook his head slowly. "It is something I do not understand. Something no one in this room could begin to comprehend. It is the way of the female."

Roxas scrunched his cute nose in thought. "It's the way of the female to eat ten times her body weight every month and then cry about it?"

Xemnas cocked his head. "Well, when you put it that way, it does sound a bit irrational, now, doesn't it?" The rest of the Organization chuckled good-naturedly. Indeed it did. Then they all went to eat some pancakes.

----------------------

Larxene stood over the bodies, cackling maniacally. Ha! Poisoned pancakes. They hadn't seen it coming. Suckers. They deserved it, the insensitive son-of bitches. Then she went back to her room with a heating pad and a box of chocolates to watch Gilmore Girls.


End file.
